In the Middle of the Night
Why the River is Better then Potters Field
I woke up crying in the night and had to wonder why. I can hear the waves of the Pacific Ocean breaking on Olas Altas beach outside, shifting the sand with the change of season. Nothing to cry over. Yet listen—there is someone deep deep inside, grieving. All I can do is get up and write. Maybe the words will roll out like 30 pieces of silver, the price paid to someone “selling out” and I can use the blood money to buy a Potters Field-and bury my dead.
Did you ever have such a dark thought? It is 2:00 in the morning for god’s sake and all I can think of is how I sold my horses before I left Wisconsin all of 25 years ago. Oh, I still see them running through my dreams—racing the moon. And it wasn’t just horses that I let go of, pushed the door shut and let drive away. It smacks of betrayal to leave family, friends, and even myself behind. Some call it mid-life crisis, and tonight it is guilt for the road forsaken. And hear the ocean breaking over the new shores! Sometimes it gets very crowded here in Potter’s Field with so many ghosts rising up. Damn, why wont they stay buried? Well, we may as well dance.
Is that a crazy idea? What should I do-hang myself with a halter like Judas did? And then what? I doubt that would be the end—maybe just the way to cop out, get stuck in the quagmire of remorse, and not pay the price of change with the seasons, shed the tears of grief for the old shore even as the new one is formed up. Yes, I might as well dance. Dance. Whirl with the memories of the devoted creatures that have loved me and I let slip away; the free spirit that I am and those I set free. Sing. Like Janis Joplin singing of “Me and Bobbie McGee.”
“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”
Damn— these songs take wings and fly right down inside-maybe all the way to that inner-child grieving in the night, and the soul is enfolded in wings feathered with forgiveness, and the dance begins, bittersweet and haunting, like a Fiddler on the Roof is playing to the melody of life the way it is-mysterious, free and ever evolving like a river. Haven’t I always loved the rivers best, because they move on? Yes-dance to Proud Mary-“Rolling—Rolling—Rolling on the river.” And then I remember Billy Joel singing on the album I played over and over to survive the leaving.
“In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep.
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep.
We all end in the ocean.
We all start in the streams.
We’re all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night.”
This is the link to the album cover (Featured Image on this page) and the song by Billy Joel that so inspired me:
My new novel on the shelves at Amazon.com: You can down load it from the Kindle Store. Here is the information: The Way Back: A Soldier’s Journey. If you like it, please write a review for me on that site. Thank you.
eBook: ISBN: 9781483520735 S.K.Carnes http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney Editorial Review by Readers Favorite
Soon to be available from all e-book stores.