Category Archives: metaphysical

The Dark Side

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I have mixed memories from my years as a school counselor in the Oregon Cascades. The characters I am writing into the novel Epiphany are made up from actual people I encountered there in the ’90s. I am introducing them in this blog called Portals, because these characters opened doors to new understandings. Your comments can enrich, inspire and make this—my third book—your book too.
The story goes that Lori, the protagonist in Epiphany (loosely based on myself) is hired by a school system in Oregon’s Cascade Mountains. Many families have moved away to find work, and new people have come to make their homes in the back hollows and haunts of the once thriving gold-mining and logging communities—transients, killers, junkies, pushers, abusers and neglected children among them. Lori uses the full force of her personality, along with games, art, music, drama, stories, movies, and her best counseling skills in her new job. She tries to encourage children to be successful and healthy as they deal with good and bad times. But as she uncovers horrible secrets, she comes face to face with “the dark side” in a life and death challenge beyond any she could have imagined. Here is a poem I wrote about the evil hidden behind the words, “Don’t tell.”

Hidden

Though tender skin and mind
Is ravaged
Deep down the child is bruised
And savaged
Though towering rage strikesdevil
With violence
And brands with “Guilt”
Expressed in“Silence”

Though dreams burn through and turn
To ash
Still children smile and
Let it pass
They fear the devil, but even more,
Disclosure, shame,
And the open door!
 

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A Feminine Character in Epiphany: A Womanly Cure For That "Motherless Feeling"

Lori, our protagonist, has enjoyed exploring secret places in the mountains of Oregon. But,  she has been hired to do a demanding job, and with start-time looming, she looses heart and feels afraid. She remembers the song on an old album from Paul Whiteman, “Sometimes I feel Like a Motherless Child.,” (hear it sung here by Julie London) and sinks into depression. But Lori has a friend, the woman Claudia, who can provide solace and guidance for the difficult year ahead.
Have you also found a special person who can bolster your flagging self confidence? Remembering just how it felt for me, I wrote a poem about passing through the portal from melancholy to renewal, under the transformative power of a wise woman.
A Womanly Cure
See—the river goes somewhere,
Moving on.
Watch—the seedling springs up,
Growing in lockstep with the constant march of days,
While I huddle in the grip of doubt,
Wondering if I am lost in time,
Without direction, without knowing,
A student with no teacher.
A motherless child.
Adrift on a moonless night,
The compass has no needle, the radio no sound
The lighthouse has gone dead
In the eye of a monstrous storm circling round me
Set to strike.
It’s then I go to Claudia,
The sheltering wing of the angel
And she hugs me into herself, this woman,
Whispering ancient knowledge I have forgotten
Of Mother nature, fertility and abundance
And of harvest that nourishes the soul.
She holds the looking glass up for me to see my own womanly self.
With intuition as my compass, I hear the fiddler playing my song.
Claudia dowses up an artesian well of prophetic waters
To wash away fear
To shine a beacon of courage
To radiate the light of inspiration
To dissolve the clouds of depression
And I see my path forward
Across the year ahead.
Tarot_Series__The_Empress_by_Valerhon
 

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Epiphany: Meet Mr. Oregon

Characters. As I write this third book, Epiphany, I am beginning to bring in my characters. Already, I have established what Lori, the protagonist seeks. She wants a fresh start, a passionate adventure, the love of her life. The last post featured a poem that described her longing to pass thru a portal from  a hum-drum life overburdened with possessions,  into the life of her dreams full of adventure.
Enter  “Mr. Oregon,” the perfect counterpoint to play with a daughter of the midwest. This magical mysterious man tells her stories, sings, quotes poetry and promises her everything she longs for. He tells her he spends time at the University and in DC. lobbying for the timber industry, but in the time he can steal away from that task,  he wants to show her Oregon as only a timberman can, for Oregon’s rivers and wilderness areas are his stamping grounds. She is smitten. Soon she will know the meaning of every word in the song he has written about himself. He calls it
“A Northwest Timber-beast”
and sings it to the tune of Old 97.RWS_Tarot_01_Magician
A swagger in his walk
Woods-music in his talk
At 14, a whistle punk jack
Up before dawn
All brisk and brawn
Settin’ chokers-while his logs go-devilin’ back
The undercutter sees
While fallin’ skybound trees
On pecker poles  laid down into a bed
That it’s a haywire show
With a riggin’ fit below
And the Bull-O-The Woods-is see’n red
A lone wolf tree
Barber-shops free
Cracks slats n stems, axin’ da  Fallers
The kid steps up
Skookum in his cup
“I’m a Sawyer from hell” he hollers
He hops a lumberjack dance
‘n tin hat and stagged pants
Can high ball on a belly robber’s feast
He’s a gandy-dancin’ fool
Dodges widow-maker’s rule
He’s a bonified Northwest Timber Beast
dangerous-jobs-lumberjack-climbing

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Ahhhh but more characters are adding to the cosmic soup thickening the plot, for there are other men in Lori’s new life.  Next post,  meet Jubal, a resident of Oregon’s backcountry.

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Cast of Characters for EPIPHANY, my third book

Meet our protagonist, Lori Moyer

Lori’s Poem

I hear the whistle calling thru the fog of fear— calling my name. Casey Jones at the throttle,
The City of New Orleans? The Rock Island Line?
I feel the earth reverberating to the beat—the pulse of freedom.
Like a lady, her fingers entwined in the ruffles of her red skirt, teasing.  Showing just a glimpse of skin, twirling, whirling, spinning out my longing, calling me.

Gathering steam now, all aboard now, breaking out now.

Like the wind billowing out the sail
Like prancing horses, eyes crazy-wild
Like a sizzling spark in shredded paper
Like a skier exploding off a jump
Like a kayak shooting a cataract
Yes, I must seize the moment
Weigh the anchor and cast off the line,
Catch the current,
Ride the wave, the train,
Soar on the wings of my dream
To breach this curtain of illusion
And watch fear dissipate into droplets
That vanish in the sun.
_________________________________________________________________________

What a fool Lori is! I see her now as the wild card (zero in number) of the Taro deck, the innocent believer stepping boldly off the cliff wearing her golden slippers, jumping head-long into an Oregon odyssey. And my dear reader, please comment should you have plunged forward into the unknown, and done so  with abandon!
Who will she meet to inspire, challenge, love and teach her the lessons she needs to learn in her new western life? Next week, I will introduce you to another character in the book I am writing. His promise to our little heroine would tempt any fool such as Lori. See you next week to meet Mr. Oregon himself.
 

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Love Like This

 
The fog in my head is lifting as my mind sifts through past experiences, pondering the new book I am writing, the book  I will call Epiphany.  Ah yes, it is becoming clear that I believed in a certain kind of romantic love —the fairy tale of “happily ever after” where there can be only “that one true love” for one to find. Here is a ditty I just wrote that expressed “Love Like This.”
Tis Prince Charming I’m pining for
I’ve read and heard and I believe
In love that lasts forever more
Will never quarrel and never leave.
He rides his white horse passing by
But he has Cinderella’s shoe.
My foot is bare , I hold it high
And wait to love and say “I do.”
“Lonely,” cries my deepest heart
Two hearts in love will beat as one
Entangled love wont pull apart
Passion fresh as when begun
He comes at last to end the wait
Our love inscribed across the stars
I run to greet my sweet soul-mate
But I’m from Venice, he’s from Mars
Perhaps the mistake of “soulmate love” is when a person, feeling like he/she is missing a piece, looks for another to feel complete. In this fantasy love, the weaker sex falls into strong arms, is protected and lives happily ever after. Right? Together they almost make one person!
Did you believe in “love like this”? So what happens when the believer risks everything to follow that dream? Please comment!

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recently released in all e-book stores.

cover of The Way Back       
New novel: The Way Back. To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

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Epiphany

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It came to me in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep, stumbling over virtual roadblocks in my mind as I pondered what my next blog might be, alert for the “just right name” for my next book about Oregon’s children, should such a name (all lit up in neon, shining out of the murk) miraculously appear. I had just blogged about being lost. I had quoted the poet Yusef Komunyakaa writing about this miracle—when all seemed lost:
“I knew life
Began where I stood in the dark,
Looking out into the light.”
I remembered another time when I went seeking an answer. It was twilight in Oregon’s back-country where I had almost lost myself, when up ahead, standing in a shaft of last light, stood a magnificent elk, and his name was —Epiphany!
What a pretty name for my new novel; the very idea of such a portal, such a magic door thrills me! This flash of insight, manifests the theme upon which I will hang my story!
I invite you to join me on this journey, join me as, chapter by chapter, I follow my fairy tale to a dead end; agonize and laugh through my emancipation from a dream turned nightmare. Such is the way of an epiphany—like stages of a rocket, what is useless falls away, and we blast forward into the light…but there is that “in between time” when we all must endure being lost in the darkness of night.
So, let’s begin. I’ll start with a poem I dreamed up just now. Please make up your own verse!
Like a glim in foggy-bottom bogs
Like a light thru crystalline
Like fire sparked by ember logs
Like a vine sprung from a bean
Like poppies cover’n killing fields
Ah sweet epiphany
That darkness, lies, wrong-doing yields
When spirit shines through me
Come spirit shine through me.
 

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Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back,
recently released in all e-book stores.

cover of The Way Back       
New novel: The Way Back. To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

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Lost

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Lost. Lost in conversation? Lost in translation? Lost on Everest? Paradise lost? What happens when one is unsure. Imagine that!
And who am I if I lose my way, lose my job, lose my fortune, lose my family, lose my health? What if parts of my body are gone? Gone—gone with the wind and yet, “I” “remains. Lost is lost, the “I” remains—until it too is lost.
Consider the following passage from P.J. Reece’s Blog about the death of Dr. Livingston in Africa.
“Incredulous, I see that he has mobilized himself off his deathbed to a kneeling position beside his cot. I suppose he’s praying but look again—his palms are open upward. He’s not begging for anything, no, he’s offering. Offering what? What’s he got left?”
http://www.pjreece.ca/blog/wordpress/ill-go-anywhere-as-long-as-it-is-forward/.
Perhaps Dr. Livingston was offering the “I” of his personality to his creator. That is what he had left.
When I consider the word “lost,” it seems to me that everything has an opposite involved with it, the old theory of the double edged sword. Ironically, everything about this world of “real” may be unreal while what is unreal may be real. Perhaps the ultimate “Portal,” is the loss of personality in the becoming.
Being lost lets that happen, “becoming” I mean.  How freeing not to have to defend but instead to be open.
Oh well, I’m lost now what to do?
Continue on-see what is new?
Or retrace my steps, get back to where
I left the trail on a whim and dare.
Breathe deep of air so fresh and clean
Look for the tell-tale mossy green
Upon the trees and boulder’s side
Facing north.
Secrets confide
And I listen
When I’m lost
I notice what’s the time of day
And where sunshine and shadows lay
To find where West or East may be
And chart the way out for me
Or follow along the rivers course
Discover roads or scout the source
Excited by deciphering clues
Finding them within the views.
And I see them
When I’m lost
I taste the berries tart and sweet
Pine needles soft beneathe my feet
How good to be out in the wild
Alive, engaged and beguiled
With delicious fear dancing around
Each flash, each gust, each echoed sound.
My mind soars like the birds above
Open, seeking, and in love
With the joy
Of being lost.

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New novel: The Way Back. To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney
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Lawless, Rule-less Happenstance

Above image: independentcinema.wordpress.com

There once was a man who loved to go for walks along unfamiliar trails, thrilled by the idea of exploring, seeing things fresh, smelling the wild , relishing the unknown. Then, one day, he stepped on something round and hard, and looking down he found a silver coin. So excited was he, that he spent his walk searching the trail for another coin. Everyday after that he looked down on his untraveled trails until (his eyes fixed on the earth beneath his feet where he had once found a coin) he ran into a low hanging branch and was knocked off a cliff .
Wow! He was visited by lady luck and immediately, he tried to capture her.
I remember with delight when a wren chose our mailbox as her home. “How dare you clutter up my nest,”she scolded when mail got in the box—her home. Surely fate has a sense of humor, we were delighted and laughed with joy that happenstance had taken up residence in our mailbox.
So has it happened to you? Did you find yourself in the chance meeting with a stranger; get a message carried in the words of someone; catch an emotion or an idea, fully developed and out of the blue; have a vision of an event to come; find a 4-leaf clover? Instead of mail, did a bird arrive to live in your mailbox? Ah—then you know about happenstance!
My father never looked for 4 leaf clovers—he just knew in passing, that one was there smiling at him in a clump of ordinary. How? Once in a blue moon we meet someone for the first time and already know them. From when? And in non-sense ditties—those lines that fly, like the wren that lived in our mailbox, those penetrating thoughts buried in junk-mail, stun us with wisdom we didn’t know we knew. Why?  Ah—it’s the magic of happenstance, when what is peripheral becomes central, catches our eye, touches our hearts, flies into our face. But happenstance follows no rules and can’t be boxed in, for like a caged bird, it stops singing.
Next week our Portal topic is a step beyond Happenstance: “Finding Yourself by Getting Lost. ” I was so inspired by that idea that  I wrote the following poem to tempt you back here next week for another go-round with a Magic Door to another dimension.
I guess I’m lost
Been here before
When they threw me out
And slammed the door
Which way to go
Where shall I turn
Toward heaven’s peace
Or hell’nburn
But since I’m lost
I’ll look around
See what I missed
Jailed-up in found.
Ah the clouds are touched
With the dawn of day
Birds float and dive
And show the way
I hear the heart
Beat of each tree
And know the rivers
Fall for me
I smell the prairies
Vast and wide
Discover caves
Where I can hide
I’m lost again
Don’t look for me
I’m traveling light
Footloose and free

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recently released in all e-book stores.

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New novel: The Way Back. To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney
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Where Hope Lives

above image:http://500px.com/photo/3917944/split-rock-lighthouse-by-mike-lentz

When I think of a portal, I imagine a magic door to pass through leading to new life beginning  for a changed person.  My example is the recent movie,”The Dallas Buyers Club,” the grimy gutsy tale of a Lone Star, bull riding, hard-living tough who emerges a super hero when faced with a death sentence. He never gave up hope and  seized life for himself and others.
The poet Yusef Komunyakaa  wrote about this miracle—when all seemed lost:
“I knew life
Began where I stood in the dark,
Looking out into the light.”
As we bungle our way through life, showing-up, perhaps making sense of our journey by looking back at what worked in the past,  old tactics can become useless with changing circumstance, and inevitably,  trying to do something, we  fail or fall, and there seems no way to follow our dreams. The ancients say that should you fall down seven times, you must rise up again 8 times. Edison tried repeatedly to create a light bulb, finding 10,000 ways that didn’t work—until one did. Winston Churchill said, “Never, never, never, never give up.” Hope.
Philosophers, poets, and common folks recognize this “tune without words” that sings the way in our darkest hour, this eternal flame, this Fiddler on the Roof as hope. And holding tight to our dreams, we are builders of eternity.
Light  sparkles from a charismatic mind! Have you seen hope shining in the eyes of a wounded warrior determined to walk again; Have you laughed with the delight bubbling up in the giggles of a tickled child; do you cheer spirit when the winning horse, ablaze with desire, opens up in the stretch. Do you dance-on to the tune of life played by the “fiddler on the roof.” Can you hear that music?
Shell Silverstein says this about hope:
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child.
Listen to the don’ts.
Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts.
Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me…
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.”
Look to the animals to image hope. The sniffer dog, hoping to please, uses his sense of smell 100,000 times more keen then the human nose, to sniff out weapons, drugs, even early stage cancer, his body quivering with the excitement that comes with partnering with his human god. The dog may sense danger, his job being to communicate that, even though he is himself in harms way. Some say it is because he does not understand, but I think it is because the dog is selfless in love, and filled with hope.
If we shed what weighs us down—regret, grief, fear, despair, or nostalgia, we make room for the angel of hope, as Emily Dickinson describes her:
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all —”

 The Olympic torch is carried aflame before the games begin, and this fire of hope burns brightest within the heart of each athlete. Some will not win medals, but entering the arena is already a win, for it is in this space that hope lives.

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 Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back,
recently released in all e-book stores.
cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back. To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

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Ungrounded: Moving Forward When Nothing Holds

 image:http://atsectionhiking.blogspot.com/appalachian-trail-iv-day-3-wesser-bald.html

Inspired by the latest ”must read” blog of PJ Reece, http://www.pjreece.ca/blog/wordpress/ill-go-anywhere-as-long-as-it-is-forward I decided to share my reaction to an image of a compelling protagonist in the kind of story we humans are craving. Why? Because we will all—one day—“run out of geography.”
Layered over and under my mind, is an image I once saw.
Years ago in a far off land, I caught my breath and stopped to wonder at a painting. Surely it is a very famous work that I can find again, I thought. Yes, I find the painting over and over, for it is hanging in my mind.  Almost every day it surfaces, wanting to be seen and shared.
Imagine the scene with me.
A sphere fills much of the canvas, darkness all around it—a planet laced about with a trail through forests, over hills, lost in canyons, tracing seas; clearly it shows the way traveled by an old man who has come to world’s edge (oh see, his eyes shine with visions as he looks forward) bent with age and the trials of blazing his path— and he is about to step off the earth. Indeed the ground is falling away under his cane, as he hobbles onward.
I feel I could paint this scene. It is that vivid. The man speaks these words to me:
Another step— I must now take.
Hear the call?
What is solid, is no more,
Crumbling away beneath me.
Feel the rumble of stones rolling whence I came,
Taunting me with echoes of, “Go back.”
Still I go forward through delicious fear
To what I do not know.
Behind me —behold my path
Twisting up mountains, climbed —but never high enough
Plunging down valleys, fertile, scented with life, and tasting of abundance —that never satisfies my hunger
And the rivers, the oceans, with my track running alongside and over, Living waters that break against my still thirsty heart.
My tortured trail marks my legacy, and ends —
With the step—
I must now take.

Have you ever been in this place of needing to go forward, yet not knowing how  to do so in this world—in your world—in what in the world, for nothing holds.   And if so, can you write about it? If you are a writer, does your protagonist come to this place in your story-this place PJ Reece calls—the dark heart of the story? Clearly, it requires stepping through a “magic door.” Please comment.

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Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back,
recently released in all e-book stores.
cover of The Way Back
New novel:     The Way Back                         To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

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