Category Archives: unforgettable

An image, thought or feeling that persists in your mind

Ungrounded: Moving Forward When Nothing Holds

 image:http://atsectionhiking.blogspot.com/appalachian-trail-iv-day-3-wesser-bald.html

Inspired by the latest ”must read” blog of PJ Reece, http://www.pjreece.ca/blog/wordpress/ill-go-anywhere-as-long-as-it-is-forward I decided to share my reaction to an image of a compelling protagonist in the kind of story we humans are craving. Why? Because we will all—one day—“run out of geography.”
Layered over and under my mind, is an image I once saw.
Years ago in a far off land, I caught my breath and stopped to wonder at a painting. Surely it is a very famous work that I can find again, I thought. Yes, I find the painting over and over, for it is hanging in my mind.  Almost every day it surfaces, wanting to be seen and shared.
Imagine the scene with me.
A sphere fills much of the canvas, darkness all around it—a planet laced about with a trail through forests, over hills, lost in canyons, tracing seas; clearly it shows the way traveled by an old man who has come to world’s edge (oh see, his eyes shine with visions as he looks forward) bent with age and the trials of blazing his path— and he is about to step off the earth. Indeed the ground is falling away under his cane, as he hobbles onward.
I feel I could paint this scene. It is that vivid. The man speaks these words to me:
Another step— I must now take.
Hear the call?
What is solid, is no more,
Crumbling away beneath me.
Feel the rumble of stones rolling whence I came,
Taunting me with echoes of, “Go back.”
Still I go forward through delicious fear
To what I do not know.
Behind me —behold my path
Twisting up mountains, climbed —but never high enough
Plunging down valleys, fertile, scented with life, and tasting of abundance —that never satisfies my hunger
And the rivers, the oceans, with my track running alongside and over, Living waters that break against my still thirsty heart.
My tortured trail marks my legacy, and ends —
With the step—
I must now take.

Have you ever been in this place of needing to go forward, yet not knowing how  to do so in this world—in your world—in what in the world, for nothing holds.   And if so, can you write about it? If you are a writer, does your protagonist come to this place in your story-this place PJ Reece calls—the dark heart of the story? Clearly, it requires stepping through a “magic door.” Please comment.

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Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back,
recently released in all e-book stores.
cover of The Way Back
New novel:     The Way Back                         To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

finalist-shiny-web
 
finalist-shiny-web
 

Out of Hand

Center image @ http://blog.catherinecampbell.net

There is allot of common sense that comes from horseback riding: pretty is as pretty does. Be sure you can stop before you start. Remember horses run fastest toward the barn so slow your speed toward home. Know your horse and let him know you. Power without trust can get out of hand!

I asked if I could ride him. He was a striking black gelding with white stockings and big white spots that frosted his sides; his mistress had named him Sheik. She rode him with a light hand, jingling a little chain, and speaking sweet words while he curled his neck and obeyed her every wish. She didn’t say, “Watch out.” Guess she didn’t know Sheik was a one woman horse. She didn’t say, “Hope you live through it,” she said, “Fine.” So, me who had always admired the handsome figure they cut, thought I could just get on and ride pretty. Well-horses are different beings. You don’t master them because you are rough and tough, they accommodate you because they submit to serve and there is love in that. So, when I mounted-up—a stranger and a fool,—so began a ride to remember.

Thinking back on it, images come to mind. Just as I hit the saddle, Shiek snatched the bit and spun. Instantly we were streaking along an iced-over snow-packed road glowing silver(the sun had came out to shine it “slippery”) and a quarter mile ahead, in horror, I saw the long driveway angling away at 90 degrees, ending at the barn. I remember it was fairly cold—maybe plus 15 degrees F.— but I got considerably warmed up ratcheting a rein, trying to pull his nose around, all the tricks I knew to stop Shiek.  Much like the Flying Goddess hood ornament, he charged forward, like he was out to win the derby. We were closing fast on disaster. It would be like expecting a run-away train to make a square corner. There was just no way. I figured to go loop-de-looping into the ditch and be killed. (Was this his special way of getting rid of strangers?) but Sheik didn’t want to end up in the ditch with me, and I wasn’t going without him, so, in spite of gargantuan efforts to buggy rein him right, he executed at top speed, an impossible turn left, and zeroed in on the barn. Thankfully, the door was closed, but next to the barn was an open gate framed with logs calculated to sweep a rider off a horse should one try to go through. Sheik was in full stride (the better to be rid of me he thought) so I flung myself down indian style, flattened against his outstretched neck, prayed to be thin, and then we were plunging in great leaps and bounds into huge drifts of snow so deep, too deep, until finally Sheik stopped just short of the river.
Horse rider fall stopI thanked God for snow as we turned back around. There she was—my girl friend standing in the gate waiting for us to high-step our way  out of the field—and she was smiling. “Can’t get to the river this time of year, too much snow,” she informed me. We didn’t talk about it again.

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Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back, recently
cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back

released in all e-book stores.     To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney
 

A Moment of Communion

Above image http://davidofficerphotography.co.uk/author/

Half a century has passed since I first heard John Shea speak. I bought his books of poems, other books, some tapes, and I followed him on the internet as he flourished in worlds beyond my kin— John Shea: theologian, author, historian, scholar, story teller, poet, master of miracles wrought by the spirit—possibility in the house of the impossible. Given wings by technology, I e-mailed Dr. Shea to ask to quote him on my blog. “Quote away!” he answered. Give freely of what is freely given! Now with his blessing, which words of his should I use? Many of his writings caught my eye and my heart, but there was one…

In 1976 a book of poems by John Shea entitled The God Who Fell From Heaven contained “A Prayer of Communion,” enhanced with the image of a girl on horseback in the rain. It was my favorite poem then and now, perhaps because I felt like I was that girl watching him pass by, connecting in that moment that, fixed by his words, lives forever.

A moment of communion from The God Who Fell From Heaven by John Shea
A moment of communion from The God Who Fell From Heaven by John Shea

On a day
that would not become day,
when fog made the sun a memory
and the unceasing night rain
gave morning a midnight mood,
the car took the forest preserve drive
to become one
with the grey, wet world of woods.
It was already inhabited.
By the side of the road
mounted on a motionless horse
she waited,
the fog hugging her,
the rain braiding her hair,
her jeans and shirt
dripping the low sky.
She blurred and focused
with the swish of the wipers.
As the car splashed past,
her soulful eyes
moved beyond the locked doors
into the dry interior of the driver.
The rearview mirror caught the fog and forest
carrying her away.
Now on days
that will not become day,
she waits
in the downpour of memory,
about to dissolve into earth and sky
but bearing for the moment
the marks of communion.
cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back

 
Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back, recently released in all e-book stores.     To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

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The Cave and the Treasure

Looking back, I think this was the turning point in what had been a lifetime battle with fear. It certainly was the most frightening and deadly.  Once begun, there was little chance of “chickening out”.  I had climbed the silo—a huge achievement for someone terrified of heights, and determined that the only way to shovel up the pile of hayledge plugging the auger was to get inside. But the -40 degree weather had frozen shut the doors. The only opening was around the blower spout itself.  Even if I could get through that highest door, bulked-up with extreme weather clothing as I was, could I get down to the grassy floor a story below; could I fix what was wrong and get out again?  The door was small and 65 feet above certain death.
Now I know that the door was a “Magic Door”, a portal to the unforgettable. Certainly, I will never forget the view along that blower pipe down into the silo, never forget the leap of faith it took to get in and out. Certainly, I was afraid, but I did it anyhow, because I could. So what treasure awaited in the cave I most feared to enter?  Self respect. For years, I had been using biofeedback in my work for a chronic pain clinic. I knew techniques to relax and quiet a heart racing out of control. I knew how to tame fear. On the other side of this task, was life governed by self respect.  What a treasure!

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imageproxy-mvc.jpg

Bring it on
I can do it
I’ve been practicing for this
Check it off
This fearful task
Written large upon my list
Fear will not limit
World and vision
I am more then what I thought
I’ll take down
With facts and thinking
The barriers fear has wrought


 

cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back

Order the Historical Novel by S.K. Carnes,  The Way Back, recently released in all e-book stores.     To find it on Amazon, go to http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

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Doing The Hard Thing

above photo came from http://latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/la-0105-pin03.jpg

I just finished reading Seth Godin’s last blog: http://profile.typepad.com/sethgodin  which was about focusing and doing the “hard thing.” With that in mind, I decided it was high time to share the link to what I found to be one of the most inspirational readings on U-Tube) Roll the Dice   Why? Because I am about to tell you a story from my past-a “Portal to the Unforgettable” that is about all of the above. I hope it inspires you to do the hard thing.

Winter cow
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WU-gW2ArW5g/S_yGNlmF1hI/AAAAAAAAAW8/Gk5mDX8x9Tg/s1600/Winter+cow.jpg

Well here it was, the day of reckoning. With chagrin, I remembered that building the silo was my idea, because I was afraid of the fires we had started to burn the stubble fields after combining trefoil seed. “I know. We will harvest trefoil for cattle feed, and store it in a silo!!!!!” I declared, relieved that we would never again need to burn over our fields.  But, fear begat more problems, that begat more FEAR! And this day, it was COLD-so bitter cold was it, that when I pushed on the “never fail, easy lever”  the motor went ZZZZZPLop… dead. Well, I hit the circuit breaker sure enough, but what’s a mother to do? The unloader auger was working 60 feet up in the 70 foot silo and somehow, it got stopped and pushed up a pile in front of itself which froze solid faster than I could say, “Uh-oh.” Well I had finally climbed the silo—me —who  was terrified of heights—climbed it at night even—so I can do it again, but it was SOOO FRIGGIN’ COLDmust be -40 with a wind-chill that sunk temps another 10-30 degrees colder then that! And the cattle had come all the way from the balsam groves to eat trefoil and now, with the unloader stuck and frozen in,  they were getting “nadda” for their trek. They looked at me with mad cow eyes and BELLERED “FIX it, do the hard thing!
Fit for pushing levers but not for climbing silos, I sported Sorel boots  with felt inserts (the modern day Bunny Boots of the Korean War) a heavy duty snowmobile suit with hood over a full face mask and thick mittens over thick mittens, I was unbendable and about as quick and agile as a manatee out of water. But, I clunked my way up the ladder alongside the clean chute to open a door and see what was gumming up the works. There were doors all the way up the side of the silo and the unloading mechanism moved down with the hayledge, door after door, to blow trefoil through its tall curved blower pipe. Entrance was through the door a story below the unloader. Just open the door and climb in onto the floor of compacted grasses, I thought. I can do this.   I huffed and puffed, careful not to look down, a little proud of myself having beaten back fear earlier that winter on my first climb up. So I got to the door I must open, and there were no “easy push” levers up high. True story, my favorite securing system was baling twine. But our new OSHA approved silo had solid oak doors fitted with monster latches —frozen tight. With a death grip on the ladder, I pounded the door with my other fist hoping to shake the latches lose, but it was like battering a wet noodle against the walls of Fort Knox. Now why didn’t you bring a hammer, I assaulted myself for being stupid, and clunked on down again to get a sledge. Up again, and despite unleashing “David against Goliath” mighty blows, the latches would not move.
The only other way “in” was to squeeze around the blower spout where it emptied into the clean chute, and scrunch my bulk through the door alongside and over the blowpipe, and then free drop down a story onto the grass floor. I couldn’t cry, my eyes would freeze shut, but I wanted to. It seemed impossible. I couldn’t get help (that’s not allowed for a full time farmer type with pride) and anyway, who would I ask? We owned the only working silo in the county. I had never tried to scramble through an open door—how to do it? Feet first? Head first? And maybe I’d look down and … ! Breaking News flashed in my horrified mind. “Frozen farmer found stuck in silo door 65 feet up.” I could even see the photo with the News Flash: two boots sticking out the highest door (picture taken with a telescopic lens) the photographer standing on good old mother earth.
Could I get in? Could I fix the problem? Could I get out? If I got stuck inside the silo, the kids wouldn’t miss me until they ran out of Cheerios. Now this would be the greatest battle so far in my war against fear, and I needed to do the hard thing! Yes, I needed a win against my fear–for the future.

Sing Your Song With Soul

Above image at: http://www.rejectlost.org/overcoming-fear

Now I’ve done it!!  Just a few moments of double duty dovetailing, and while I wasn’t looking, the wind closed the end of the giant plastic bag  (clean chute) that extended up the feeding side of the 70 foot silo—just a moment of closure and hayledge being blown out the high-up door into the bag began to plug at the bottom and fill all the way to the top. There was a “Bang” as the chute ripped free and fell. The cattle stampeded in panic, and I knew, my heart plunging along with the clean chute—that I was “in for it.” The huge blue catch basin above the rotating feeder panels was now filled with 60+ feet of plastic bag, tightly stuffed, like a giant green baloney sausage, any coil of which was too heavy for me to lift.  The cattle were coming back to the feeder now, looking at me accusingly. “Hurry-up.  We want our munchy meal!” There was only one thing to do. I knifed open a coil and dredged out handfuls of icy compacted fiber.
Ordinarily, the grassy jumble tumbled down, its molasses bouquet misted with the warm breath of the cows to envelop the hundred foot feeder in a steamy cloud surrounded by frigid blue air. But “handful by handful” was slow going. The cows bunted and shoved for a place at the feeder, impatient and clearly disappointed.
Ordinarily,the pregnant cows would stand belly to belly, eyes shut in ecstasy,  tongues smacking the sweet moist trefoil in. They chewed with their mouths open and full!  Not today. To get into the coils at the base of the fiasco, I had to lay on my back in the feeder trough, reach up and drag hayledge down to fall on my face and get in my eyes. Irritated by too little too late, the cows began to fight with each other, all the while bellering at me to hurry.  They were cold. So was I.
All because of dovetailing, I scolded myself.   How could I have been so stupid to let this happen. I cursed myself over every slit I had to cut in the plastic, and as I clawed handfuls out through the holes, I stuffed anger at myself down into my gut (to be used later).  Stupid fool-will you ever learn?  It was an all day job on a day—like most—already overfilled with jobs. I had chores inside and outdoors, and a play to direct after the kids got home from school.  But I had to get the bag cleaned out and warmed by the register in the utility room of the house, taped and mended so it could work again tomorrow.  Never ever let this happen again, I admonished myself, and your punishment is—you will climb the silo and reattach the bag! You broke it. You fix it!
 There was a problem in that I was afraid of heights, it would be dark before I could get to the task, and I had never climbed the silo. Fear was my nemesis.  But on that night, fueled by anger, I faced and conquered fear.
Fool,
Be your own commander
Yes, your feet are clay
So put on golden slippers
Roll the dice and play
No more mamby pamby
No more quaking knees
Excuses don’t become you
“Man-up” if you please
The task needs your commitment
It’s crying out to you
Resolve it using anger
And belief that you can do
Climb the glass-faced mountain
Hang out with the stars
Strong enough to conquer
Fear is just a farce

Conquering fear
http://purposeeconomy.com/a-womans-journey-conquering-fear

Your movie’s cast and written
You have the leading role
Fear hampers your performance
So sing your song with soul
 
 
Order the new novel by S.K. Carnes.  The Way Back in all e-book stores.       Amazon: http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back
 

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The Dark Side of Fear

Image from http://experiencelife.com/article/

 Fear.  A warning of danger, sometimes disguised as anger, hatred or rage, fear can portend evil as in the“dark side of the Force.”Fearing fear, I tried to stay out of its clutches. To me fear was like the dark side of the moon, shadowed in mystery and overpowering, and I focused on the sunny side, the known —where I had some control—except for sometimes. Sometimes, like ink spreading across parchment, fear stained my life. It fascinated even as it paralyzed me, and I determined that I would overcome it. But to do so, I would have to call it out, and in battle, it took away my ability to function, and left me white, shaken, and weak. It was a quest-my own Great Crusade. I learned that I did best when in the company of animals.

http://www.petfinder.com
http://www.petfinder.com

They bolstered my spirit. Indeed, when I was astride one of the big draft horses used on our farm, I felt invincible as a knight from King Authors table, drawing upon the animal courage I commanded.
Aware of my fear of heights, I aggressively attacked this weakness. I decided that I would make myself cross the railroad trestle that towered above the Middle River. I would ride my bike several miles, then, listen for the train, and hearing none, would start across the trestle. My heart beat increased in velocity and sound, until I could not walk but would have to crawl, going forward, clinging to the rails while my will dissolved in the echoes of the sound, and I could not proceed. I would carefully execute a turnaround retreat hand over hand until I could manage to rise and run back, sobbing at my failure and vowing to try again later with some new way of thinking.
Hoping to cross
I dared begin
But Fear was boss
And Fear would win.
Every year in the summer, there were picnics at the waterfall park, and everyone jumped off the top into the deep chasm at the base of the cataract. Everyone but me. When it was time for the picnic, I still had not jumped and so I stayed, and stayed and stayed, missing lunch out of determination. I stood quaking at the top until finally, when I gave up on myself and life itself, I jumped out of łack of caring. Then, sheepish and late, I got left overs or nothing-maybe a scornful look. Only when I gave over my life as in a sort of suicide could I do what I feared. As a college student, I would stay week-ends in Duluth to climb the condemned ski jumps. Sometimes an afternoon passed and I still could not manage to reach the top of the jump. Discouraged, my fingers freezing stiff with the cold, l would climb down, fear having won again.
There were other times when I should have been able to run away from danger but when fear set in, my legs went to mutiny mode. Then, I could only advance crawling or creeping on my stomach. I read articles and books, vowing to learn to beat this curse. I could take deep breaths while saying positive things, build on small victories, graduate toward the more difficult challenges as I explored my dark side. I noticed that on a downhill ski run, I fell when I “lost heart.”This defect was a mind thing to be studied, and the learning gave my life direction. Years passed, and by now I had a library of books about fear. With “ways around” strategies in my arsenal, I could cope as long as the situation was not too dire. I took up white water rafting, finally even daring to tackle the Grand Canyon of the Colorado —with mixed results. For there, lurking in the darkness was my old enemy waiting-waiting for the time to be right. Then one day, the worst thing happened; Fear and I came face to face… and there was no way back.

To be continued…

Order the new novel by S.K. Carnes.  The Way Back in all e-book stores.       Amazon: http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney

cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back

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I Am Calling You

It started with an inkling that got crossways in my mind. After it came, everything else coursed around it like a stream does round a wind-fallen tree. I dodged it long as I could, you know—the plates needed to be stacked by size, there was dust on the door-tops—but it was alive and burrowing in until all my thinking began to pile up against it like water before a dam. There it was calling me “Time to go.” It was the essence in the lilac scented air, the verve in the spring green of the new leaves coming on, it was the song spun by the river swelled full and rushing by. It started as an itch to scratch but with the first touch it pulled me in, wound everyday with a beanstalk of desire until I was crazy wild to go.  Only—except—but still—I was afraid.  I stalled.  And the pastel spring passed, as did the watercolor summer, and autumn, layered like the oil painting of a master in russet and gold, left me alone and exposed cowering in fear before the ravages of winter.
I had made my intentions clear, said that I was leaving and going West; the canoe was in the river, so to speak, and caught-up by the current, there was no way to paddle up the rapids.  At last, with Christmas approaching and the blizzards out of Canada descending upon Lake Superior-land, it was passed time to go.  I had to leave now. The calling was deafening, self-loathing at my inaction and cowardice had reached a climax, and I could not live with myself anymore.  So I set a date to suffer over, packed up and drove away, my little car sliding on the frozen road as it strained to pull the smallest U-Haul trailer available; aimed to cross out of Wisconsin, and get through Minnesota and North Dakota before the storms caught me. I was terrified.
How did I manage to do this? How had I overcome my fear and guilt? And what force haunted my being? What Pied Piper beckoned, his calling ever more insistent?
Gently probing. Ever deeper
Comes this urging Quantum Leaper
Crooning song of wistful hue
Sweetly haunting
Heart breaking
Words so meaningful and true
They raked my soul as in they flew
“I am calling you,” it sang
Words that hurt, Words that rang!
I am calling you

http://www.lindenarts.org/umbraco/
http://www.lindenarts.org/umbraco

 
 
Next Week:  Overcoming fear.
 
 
Please click on the link below to read about The Way Back , by S.K.Carnes. Three Reviews and a description are posted. http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/28930
 
cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back

 
 
Order The Way Back in all e-book stores. Amazon: http://bit.ly/SoldiersJourney
 
 
 

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Flying

Featured Image: http://fromangelstozen.com

I wrote this poem  to introduce a memory written by Angela Jackson, an author, a speaker and a member of our Mazatlan Writer’s Group!

TAKE TIME!

Wish on a star
Laugh til you cry
Fly a paper airplane
Listen to the sea in a shell
Make an angel in the snow
Hold wonder in your hands
For trapped in the long shadow of“grown-up”
Is a child waiting to come out and play

Angela Jackson shares her moment of magic as written in her soon to be published book, All That Glitters.  Take time!

 CHAPTER FOURTEEN

In 1955 my mother took a summer job as cook at a ranch in the Eastern Townships. She got the job through a friend of a friend and though she had never cooked professionally, her home baked desserts and mouthwatering tender roasts won everyone over.
She found a place nearby for my younger brother Tommy and me to board, and brought us there for the summer. What freedom. What joy! We yelped around the front yard like puppies and played in a dilapidated barn with no animals but plenty of hay to foster our imagination.
I loosened yards of flaxen twine which was used to latch square bales of hay, then combed the twine and bobby pinned strands of it onto my own short bob, pretending I was doyenne of the barn.
“I’m Mary and you’re John.” I said to five year old Thomas “I’m the boss so you have to do what I say. Take this broom and clean out the stalls, then put hay down for the horses, then rake the paths outside.  Get a move on before I tan your hide.” I said, echoing commands I’d had to obey.
For a week he did everything I told him in our pretend world. Then one day he came running at me with a present.
“Look what I have Mary.” He held the tail of a dead rat. I screamed and ran as fast as I could toward the house. Realizing he had an advantage, he chased after me, swinging the rat in the air and that was the end of John and Mary.
We spent six weeks at the farm together, jumping off rocks and swimming at the local waterhole, eating delicious French Canadian food prepared by the missus of the house who hardly spoke English and therefore could not tell us what to do. We didn’t understand French, so we were free to roam at will.
Saturday evenings, our hosts, the Fourniers, had visitors drop in, so out came the spoons and pans and violins and accordions. Out came the clapping of hands and foot stomping music that wafted upstairs to where we sat bug eyed and entranced, hunched over the grate, watching grownups dance and drink and sing in French below.
Fascinated by their Cajun rhythms, we drummed on the floor and stuffed ourselves with bright red cherries our mother had left until we were doubled over with pain and had to throw up in the pee pot and crawl into bed.
Mom came to visit every Sunday and brought us treats. Her Lazy daisy coconut honeyed cake was our favorite and often she would join us at the swimming hole where we thrashed in the water and showed off. Once she borrowed a van that had Lo Bar Ranch stenciled in bright blue letters along both sides.
“Get in you two; we’re going to ranch for the day.” She exclaimed, her eyes glinting with excitement.
We lingered in a real barn with horses that snorted. We patted mewing kittens and cavorting dogs. We held piglets and fed rabbits and felt indescribable joy at being there with our mom who seemed happy for the first time in years.
I thought summer would never end, that mom would stay at the ranch as cook and we would live with the Fourniers and go to a local school to learn French. In late August we befriended four little kids who lived down the road who, although they could not speak English, communicated with us in made up sign language.
One day,I decided we kids would fly from the top beam of the old barn; if Peter Pan and Wendy could do it, why not us?I don’t know why flying appealed so much to me, but I really believed we could do it if we just got up high enough. Somehow, I convinced the other kids to climb up the rickety ladder and line up on the top beam. There we were, six little kids standing in a row on the highest beam, too scared to look down at the hay way below.
“Un,deux,trois.” I called. Nobody moved. They all stood there, looking at me. Then I understood: it was my idea,so I was supposed to go first! Yikes! That was not what I had in mind. I was terrified of heights and thought we’d go together. Maybe this was not such a good idea after all, but what was I to do? I couldn’t lose face, couldn’t show my fear. So, with pounding heart, I raised both arms, perched on my toes, and took a step off the beam. For a second there was pure bliss as I soared through shafts of yellow light before crash landing in a painful heap on the hay below.
“My arm.” I writhed, dangling the broken limb.
“Pay no attention, she’s always joking.” Thomas laughed, but soon realized I was not, so he climbed down the ladder and ran for the Fourniers.
A country doctor was summoned, a craggy white haired old man, who examined my elbow, shook his head, and made a cast.
“Mademoiselle, you are one lucky girl. You could have broken your neck.” He wagged his finger at me as I sat shamefaced in the kitchen.
The Fourniers were chastened by the event and figured they better get rid of us before anything worse occurred, so my mother packed us up and we all returned to the city. Thomas to the foster home he hated, my mom to a new job, and me to her apartment for the final weeks of summer.
I was angry that I’d messed everything up and had to stay in the apartment by myself with my arm in a stiff cast. When it was removed, the elbow didn’t bend properly and my arm wouldn’t lower. Physical therapy was prescribed which meant I had to lug a bucket of water back and forth, up and down the apartment hall every day to try and ease the arm down, a routine I followed for two weeks, then, in a fit of pain and frustration, refused to continue.
My left arm was quite a bit lower, but still a good three inches shorter than the right. Though I’d screwed up our summer and my arm was the souvenir, I considered that time to be one of the best I ever had. Thomas and I never lived together again so that time was doubly precious.
Now I sat on the pine rocker and smiled at the memory, then grew sad.
Our time on Pine Island was rapidly coming to an end. Would it be the end of my time with Jesse as well?

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Fire and Ice

In the region of my heart where blizzards swirl and snow drifts—blinding and pristine— there is this core of paralyzing cold. So blue is this center, beautiful to behold, that should you fall under its bitter spell, you would lie frozen ‘neath a thousand years of ice—so blue it is. And for that reason, I worship at the altar of the stove.
I think it all started ’round my mother’s cook-stove, its green enameled face polished almost through in places,  its cast iron burning plate searing hot above riotous flames. The smell of baking bread, wood smoke and vanilla, still lingers like lowland mist in my mind. Ahh—heaven. And in those days, the brown oil heater reigned over the living room. I ran down from my freezing upper room to get dressed alongside her, wanting to hug her enameled belly, almost daring to be burned. Still, I never could get warm enough. Never warm enough to banish “the Blue.”
So when I moved to Oregon, in order to shield shadowy fear (circling all around me) and the cold wisped in fog (to disguise her icy fingers), I bought my first parlor stove. Made in 1896, refurbished, and lettered “Empire State,” it had a bright silver top and brass finial, like a light-house for a drowning soul. But it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get warm enough, so I bought another. It happened with a move to Washington State to live on an island as far west and north as I could go. It had to be a special stove for such a move, so I went to Buck’s Stove Palace in Portland, and Buck-who maybe loved me a little, said he would find “just the one.” He looked “hi and low” and finally in an attic in Illinois, he found my Florence. Now here was an altar worthy of adoration. She stood taller then me on nickeled feet, and her face shone silver around isinglass licked by flames. I bought a house with a living room  wall set in stone— just for her—and she sat like a queen on her throne of polished flagstone.
But my fires were poorly built; I wielded the froe to split the wood, with a limp wrist, afraid of the breaking. It was only when I found Bill—the Keeper of the Hearth—that Florence lit up and the dismals were beaten back. And now, on any evening on our island, we sit like in an opera house waiting for the show. We open all the stove ports and the fire roars on center stage flanked by rocks fascinating in shadow-play and light. Look! There is the glint of fools-gold and mica, see the onyx dark against the white quartz while the life and death drama plays out. It is awful to watch hungry tongues devour the wood, the pitch pockets whistle and pop sending up little explosions, smelling of pine forests. At last the split fir is a black skeleton and Bill will feed the beast from his huge stash piled on racks, the kindling stacked precisely, the tools of the master hung at the ready. My living room is a primitive cave of wood and glass, stone and iron, with the hearth at its center, and the Keeper by my side; let the storm crash against my house of cedar, as long as there is fire in my stove.
For me, it would be wrong to have no need of the fire, or of the stove where it’s caged, for the hearth was my first love. There is something about a fire. Watch the spark blaze forth life in all colors of hot while death waits in the wings-to claim even the embers in Irish darkness. I hear the groans of solid form releasing energy, smell the essence free at last, speak with the old ones, feel the power of the creator, sense the mystery that teases at me, flickering truth that eludes me, leaving me always searching… for that warmth that is enough.


 

cover of The Way Back
New novel: The Way Back

Please click on the link below to read about The Way Back , by S.K.Carnes. Three Reviews and a description are posted. http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/28930
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